


Zeros

by Desiree_Harding



Series: soulmate AUs [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drunkenness, I don't know what this even is, Light Angst, M/M, Other, Pining, Soulmate-Identifying Timers, humor me, oh so much pining, this could all be solved by a good conversation let's be real, trigger warning for slight self harm but not explicit, two idiots who can't manage to just talk about their feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-12-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 14:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7718623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Desiree_Harding/pseuds/Desiree_Harding
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A soulmate au, in which John and Alex manage to complicate something that is, to the rest of society, incredibly straightforward. There's miscommunication, shameless pining, and an eventual resolution in which these two idiots figure themselves out. Not before we all go through some angst, though, because why not? </p><p>An incredibly late (birthday) gift to my lovely friend Taylor (<a href="http://archiveofourown.org/users/mydearestangelica/pseuds/mydearestangelica">mydearestangelica</a>), because I have the best of intentions and the worst of writer's block</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. John

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mydearestangelica](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mydearestangelica/gifts).



> Look at Desiree over here, writing random random soulmate things when she should be working on her other fic. Oops. As the summary says, this is a gift to Taylor, who had a birthday in July but didn't get her present until now because I can't do things on time. Sorry about that.  
> This was meant to be a oneshot originally, but like all my fics it grew more chapters than I thought it would. Hope you enjoy this first one!

*~*~*~*~*

December 31st, 2015

00:00:00:00:00:00

John traced his fingers lightly over the perfect line of zeros on his wrist, the dark tattoo-like marks standing out in sharp contrast to his skin. Made a little loop with his fingertip along the line of each tiny number and tried to imagine that it meant something, that maybe _he_ could feel him thinking about him, from so far away.

_You’re pathetic, John Laurens. Absolutely pathetic._

“Jack?” John’s self-pity cocoon was broken by the sound of his name being called. He instinctively covered the numbers with his hand before he looked up and saw that his younger sister, Martha, was leaning on the doorframe to his room. It was winter break, New Year’s Eve, specifically, and John was spending it with his family in South Carolina while his friends partied in New York. They’d said they were going to Times Square this year.

Martha’s eyes flickered down to where John’s hand was still gripping his left wrist, before she looked back and John and gave him a sympathetic smile, shutting the door behind her as she walked over to John’s bed and flopped down next to him. She threw her arm around his shoulder and pulled his left hand away to take in her right, John’s zeros out on full display.

“Thinking about him?” Martha whispered, resting her head on John’s shoulder. Martha was the only member of John’s family whom John had come out to, and was the only person in the world who knew that John had met his soulmate.

That he’d met his soulmate, but wasn’t anyone’s soulmate himself.

It had been exactly 118 days since John had literally run into his soulmate, moving into his college dorm. 118 days since his timer had stopped the moment he laid eyes on the most beautiful boy he’d ever seen. 118 days since Alexander Hamilton had introduced himself to John and John realized, slowly, that to Alexander there was nothing special or extraordinary about their meeting, that his timer must be counting down to someone else.

They were roommates, and John was going to tell him. They were best friends, and John was going to tell him. They were at a party and Alexander had seen Elizabeth Schuyler form across the room, and John was going to _tell him_.

John’s soulmate started dating the most wonderful girl in the world, and John couldn’t tell him.

He kept it to himself. It wasn’t unheard of for the timers not to match; there were rare cases here and there, and Alexander was his best friend. He wasn’t going to make him feel guilty, wasn’t going to come in there with his sob story and ruin Alex’s and Eliza’s happiness.

But still, this time last year John had been looking at his timer and thinking that before 2016 came around, he and his soulmate would be together, and that they’d be so happy.

It was just cruel.

“Come on,” Martha murmured into his ear, squeezing his hand. “You’ve thought about him enough tonight. Come downstairs. It’s almost midnight, people are asking for you.” He knew she’d indulged his wallowing long enough and he rose, picking up his bracelet and slipping it over the numbers on his wrist. He’d worn the unassuming leather band since he was fifteen and first realized he wasn’t straight. It wasn’t uncommon to wear one before you had met your soulmate, and it tended to deflect most questioning about the matter.

John doubted many people used it to hide their zeros.

Martha led him out of his room and downstairs, where his family was milling around, the adults with champagne and the kids with sparkling juice, waiting to ring in the New Year.

*~*~*~*~*

Midnight had come and gone, and John and Martha were sitting on the back porch, enjoying the solitary flute of champagne their father had allowed them when John got the phone call.

 _Alexander Hamilton_ the screen read. John had somehow managed to refrain from adding any stupid love-related emojis next to it.

He answered the phone.

Immediately he was bombarded with crackling noise from the speaker of the phone, something that sounded like laughter, shouts in the background, maybe music?

“Alex?”

 _“John?! John are you there??”_ Alex voice came, shouting and slurred.

So he was drunk then. John rolled his eyes at his sister who was stifling a laugh behind her hand.

“I’m here, Alex,” he sighed into the phone, unable to keep a grin from sneaking onto his face. “Why are you calling?”

 _“I,”_ Alex said in the phone, the background noise now farther in the background, _“wanted to wish you a happy New Year.”_

John’s heart ached. God, he was so sweet, even if they were just friends.

“Thanks, Alex,” John choked out, tears welling up in his eyes. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Martha frown, concerned.”

 _“Did you kiss anyone at midnight, John?”_ Alex teased him, and John tried not to think about his soulmate, sweeping Eliza into a romantic dip, kissing her as the ball dropped in Times Square, tried not to think about how it would have felt to be under those lips himself-

“No,” John struggled to get the one simple word out.

 _“Awwwwww,”_ Alex crooned, _“if you had been here, I would’ve kissed you_.”

John was openly crying now, the tears rolling down his cheeks. “Alex, you’re drunk,” he gasped out, “go find Laf and get home safe, okay?”

 _“Okay,”_ Alex slurred, _“goodnight, my dearest Laurens.”_

The call ended.

“Goodnight,” John whispered into the silent phone.

Martha reached for his hand, but John waved her off.

“It’s okay,” he said, wiping his tears from his cheeks, “I’m just going to go to bed, alright? You can tell dad I wasn’t feeling well.”

“Alright John,” she said, muted, “I love you.”

“Love you too.”

John thought of Alex as he pushed back through the crowd of his father’s party, thought of him with every couple standing side by side, thought of Alex’s smile as he climbed the stairs. Thought of his laugh as he brushed his teeth. Thought of his quick wit and his words as he changed into pajama shorts and fell into bed. Thought of how goddamn _beautiful_ he was as he turned off the lamp and pulled the covers up to his chin.

It wasn’t just that his soulmate didn’t love him, John thought as he lay there in the dark. It was that he didn’t love him _back_.

Because as much as he tried not to, over the weeks and months they’d known each other, John had fallen hard for Alexander Hamilton.

*~*~*~*~*

January 18th, 2016

It was good to be back at school after a long holiday spent with Henry Laurens’ oppressive opinion and away from his soulmate. John could never decide whether it was more painful to be with Alexander or away from him. And when he walked into his dorm for the first time since he had left for break and was met immediately with his soulmate’s devastating smile, John couldn’t decide whether he wanted to wrap Alex in his arms and never let go, or run for the hills and never come back.

He had never felt so conflicted.

*~*~*~*~*

January 29th, 2016

Being back in class and swamped with a pre-med major’s typical workload made it easier to ignore the ache in his chest that now seemed to John a constant fixture in his daily life. When Alexander was in their dorm getting ready for a date with Eliza, it was easy to slip away to the library and bury himself in medical texts. It was easy to burst into Laf and Herc’s dorm with a handful of flashcards and demand they quiz him.

When John was eating lunch with Alexander and his Eliza, her head resting sweetly on his soulmate’s shoulder, and she mentioned teasingly that she’d never seen John so committed to studying before, it wasn’t easy to laugh it off with a casual shrug of his shoulders.

It was the goddamn hardest thing he’d ever done in his life.

*~*~*~*~*

February 4th, 2016

“Come on, John, you’ve gotta help me!” Alexander whined.

John didn’t even look up from his phone. “No.”

“Valentine’s day is in ten days!”

“And?”

“And I have zero plans for what I’m gonna do for Eliza.” Alex flopped onto John bed, lying on his back and fixing John with those damn eyes, “Come on, John, _think_. What would you wanna do if I was taking _you_ out?”

John wanted to punch a wall.

“Alexander,” he whispered, “you’re not taking me out. What I want doesn’t matter.”

Alex sighed. “I guess you’re right,” he said dejectedly, and went back to his own bed, pulling out his laptop and clicking away on the keyboard.

That night in the shower John irrationally scrubbed this skin on his left wrist raw, as if he could somehow erase those wretched zeros and everything they stood for, and just forget. He scrubbed and clawed at them until his eyes watered and he couldn’t see, and he collapsed against the wall and watched his blood and his tears and his love go swirling down the drain.

*~*~*~*~*

February 10th, 2016

It was just selfish, John decided. It was selfish for him to want Alexander, when he and Eliza made such a beautiful couple, all sweet kisses and casual touches and knowing looks into each other’s eyes and easy laughs at inside jokes. It was selfish for him to want that with Alex when Alex was so clearly in love already.

“I’m so excited, John,” Eliza was gushing to him as they stood waiting for Alex outside the dining hall, bundled up in scarves and coats to keep out the February chill and the snow flurries in the air. “I’ve never had a real Valentine’s day before, because of the soulmate thing, you know, and I just know he’s planning something wonderful. He’s got that look in his eyes, you know the one he gets when he’s really passionate about an idea?”

John just nodded. Of course he knew. He had memorized every expression, every inch and every smile and every breath of Alexander Hamilton. John knew Alexander better than he knew anyone, better than he knew even himself.

It was then that Eliza spotted Alex hurrying down the path and called out to him. She rushed over to him and he twirled her around before planting a sweet kiss on her cheek. And as John raised his hand in greeting he decided that Alex, with his cheeks flushed from the cold and snowflakes settling in his dark hair, looked just like an angel.

*~*~*~*~*

February 14th, 2016

John was wasted.

Tonight, his soulmate was out on the town with his amazing, gorgeous, _perfect_ girlfriend, and John Laurens was pathetically lying on the floor of his friends’ dorm, the three of them raising a glass (or rather, a bottle,) to being single for yet another Valentine’s day.

Tonight, Alexander was probably sweeping Eliza into a romantic kiss in Central Park like something straight out of a romantic comedy, while John was here, hiding his zeros so no one would know that he was really just drowning his sorrows.

He wanted to be angry, at Alex maybe, but Alex was his soulmate and John loved him with every scrap and shred of heart he had left, or with Eliza, but Eliza was genuinely the sweetest girl he had ever met and would never purposely hurt a soul.

And so he drank, and he tried to forget.

“Laaaaauuuuuuurrrennnssss,” Laf’s voice reached his ear, pulling John out of his sorrowful thoughts and back to the situation at hand, where Hercules seemed to be struggling to contain a tipsy French idiot. Only tipsy, though, because all of John’s friends could hold their liquor better than he could. And Hercules never seemed to get drunk, probably because he was fucking massive, maybe because he wasn’t human or something.

Possibly both.

“ _Jean, mon ami,_ answer meee,” Laf whined, snapping their fingers right in front of his face.

“Whaaaat,” John groaned. He considered going back to his dorm, drunk as he was, to wallow in peace.

“’Erclues and I ‘ave been comparing our timers,” Laf smiled like an idiot and proudly thrust their wrist in John’s direction. “I was saying I am jealous because he ‘as only seven months left, whereas I ‘ave over _three years_. Can you _imagine_ the wait?”

“Must be torturous,” John said dryly, looking back at the ceiling. He sighed, rubbed the heels of his hands over his eyes. God, he was not in the mood to have this discussion.

“ _Jean!_ ” Laf cried suddenly, leaping off of Herc’s lap and scaring the hell out of John.

“Jesus Christ, Laf, what?!” Hercules was fucking _giggling_ and John got to his feet and shot the older student a glare.

“You should tell us how long _you_ have left, _mon ami_!” And at that John’s brain focused and his heart sped and his breath shallowed and he started backing away.

“No,” he said firmly, and Lafayette’s face fell.

“But we told you _ours_ ,” they whined, “and you wear that bracelet all the time and it isn’t _fair_.”

“No,” he said again before Laf grabbed at his wrist, giggling maniacally as they clumsily tried to undo the clasp, “Laf, I said _no_ , knock it _off_!” And John jerked his arm away, Laf’s fingers still wrapped around the bracelet.

The leather was old, worn from everyday wear, and in one horrifying moment that seemed to last a lifetime, it snapped, and John’s bracelet fell broken onto the floor.

He stopped breathing, his wrist naked and bare with the hated zeros out for all to see. And he felt Lafayette grab his wrist and check the numbers quickly, could hear him shouting with glee, could hear Hercules’s surprise as he jumped up off the bed to see for himself, could hear them bombarding him with questions about _who_ and _when_ and _why didn’t you tell us_ and it was all such a fucking _lie_ and he _couldn’t take it anymore_ -

“ **SHUT UP**!” John was screaming at them and jerking his arm and his body _away_ , “ **JUST SHUT UP! JUST LEAVE IT ALONE!** ”

Everything fell silent.

There was a horrible moment where it felt like time froze they were all just staring at each other, and Herc and Laf’s eyes were so _wide_ and _sad_ and _scared_ and John was so goddamn _tired_.

It was shattered, suddenly, unexpectedly, by a violent sob clawing its way out of John’s lungs and breaking the still air.

He felt his knees buckle and the tears start running down his face, messy and hot, and then there were strong arms around him and a hand on his hair and he was being held and petted and gentle words were being whispered into his ear as John released every bit of hurt that had settled in every crevice of his heart over the past five months into the air in one cathartic rush.

It was Hercules’ arms around him, warm and solid and so _good_ , and he was being rocked and shushed and Laf’s voice was whispering in his ear, “ _mon cher, desole,_ I am so sorry, I did not know _, oh mon ami, ma coeur_ please do not cry, my John _.”_ And John was gasping into Hercules’ shoulder as desperate cries and sobs tore themselves from his chest repeatedly, coloring the air with his sorrow, his love.

He couldn’t hold it in anymore. He just couldn’t do it.

 _“Jean, mon cher,_ talk to us, darling, please, what has upset you so?” Laf’s voice was so sweet and kind in his ear and he wanted to _tell them_.

“He- he doesn’t want me-” was all that he was able to get out before he was cut off by another strangled cry, involuntary and irrational and John felt like he was floating away, the world reduced to nothing except for the desperate hands on him and his painful breaths.

“ _Qui? mon ami_ , who does not want you?”

And his name thrummed in John’s head and through his very heart blood, as though it belonged there. And it spilled from lips like it was his poison and his air.

 _“Alexander_. _”_

They were both silent and still for a brief moment before-

“Oh, _John_.”

And John let go. He let go of everything and allowed himself, for once, to fall apart.

“And right now he’s- he’s kissing _her-_ ” he gasped out, “and _what am I good for?_ ”

He let himself drift away into darkness to the rhythm of Hercules’ gentle rocking arms and his voice shushing him and repeating “it’s okay, Laurens, it’s okay, you’re okay,”

_You’re okay._

_You’ll be okay._

*~*~*~*~*

February 15th, 2016

His friends’ voices permeated his dreams.

_“He needs to tell him.”_

_“I know.”_

_“What are we going to do?”_

_“For now? We’re going to wait. Maybe he’ll tell him by himself.”_

_“And if he doesn’t?”_

He drifted back into darkness.

*~*~*~*~*


	2. Alexander

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first semester, from Alex's point of view. Warning: he's an oblivious mess, but what else is new?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is short I'm sorryyyyyyyy :(

*~*~*~*~*

September 10th, 2015

00:00:00:00:00:00

Alexander Hamilton was never much interested in soulmates.

He remembered his mamá explaining the timer to him as a child for the first time,

_“What do they mean, mamá?”_

_“Those numbers tell you when you’re going to meet your soulmate, querido.”_

_“When will I meet mine?”_

_“Not for a long time, mijo, but they will be worth it, I promise.”_

As a child he’d been in love with the idea. Another person, out there in the world who had a timer matching his exactly, counting down to the moment they’d meet and complete each other’s lives, as his mamá had said. He wondered if they thought about him, if they wondered what his name was or where he lived or what his favorite color was. And he’d wanted more than anything to meet them.

Then came the sickness, the hurricane.

Alexander watched his mother die in bed next to him, and he watched her timer go blank and realized that she had never met her soulmate.

He watched a hurricane destroy everything he had ever known and wondered where the person who would complete his life was _now_ , when he really needed them.

He gave up on soulmates, wrote his way off the island that had become his prison, his graveyard. Bought a wristband the moment he got to the United States and covered up the timer and resolved not to need a soulmate. He took the wristband off every once and a while but he grew accustomed to not checking his timer, not checking to see how much time was left and only observing whether the numbers were still counting or not, because what was the point of soulmates anyway?

But now, Alex stared at the little line of perfect zeroes across his left wrist and his breath went inexplicably short and shallow.

Because he could’ve sworn it hadn’t looked like that last week.

Which meant his soulmate was somewhere _here_.

_At college._

_With him._

_Someone he’d met in the last few days._

Which could have been… practically anyone. It was his first week of college, he must have introduced himself to over a hundred people in the span of a few days, how would he ever know his soulmate was in that crowd?

And how did he know he hadn’t made a mistake? How could he be sure of how long it had been since the timer really stopped? It could have happened anytime, and Alexander just didn’t notice, and it would be impossible to track down his soulmate.

But they would have known, wouldn’t they? His soulmate would have said something.

Wouldn’t they?

Why did he suddenly care about this? He had gone years without giving his soulmate a second thought.

Alex shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts, and closed the clasp of the durable wristband. It didn’t matter, he thought. He was at college now. There were a million things he hadn’t done, and he was going to finally make something of himself. He couldn’t get distracted with soulmates.

He walked back to his room, entered and smiled at his new roommate who had cute freckles and a shy manner, quickly put in his earbuds and drifted away into his thoughts. But a little line of zeroes stayed burned into his mind’s eye.

*~*~*~*~*

October 5th, 2015

With one month of college underneath his belt, Alex was feeling absolutely on top of the world. He’d expected academic success; he hadn’t written his way out of the Caribbean for nothing, after all. He’d even anticipated the extracurricular activities of debate club and student government. He’d been ready for every detail and facet of college, he’d thought.

He hadn’t expected friends.

Least of all _these_ friends.

Most days found the orphan immigrant sitting around a table in the dining hall or the library with three others: the flamboyant Lafayette, a sophomore French international student with more names than God, Hercules Mulligan, a junior fashion design and business major who was the single largest and most ripped person Alex had ever met, and his roommate, John Laurens.

John Laurens. Alex had latched onto the other student in a matter of minutes after their initial meeting. John was a pre-med major, saying he had narrowly escaped his father’s wish for him to do pre-law, like Alex. He and Alex clicked on everything. They had the same political ideas, despite John’s father being a South Carolina senator, they had the same passion for their dreams and goals and Alex found that he could talk for hours with John. John listened to Alex like he was the most important thing in John’s world. After a month, the two were practically inseparable.

Alex had never had a best friend before. He was sure that he’d finally found one, and he couldn’t be happier.

*~*~*~*~*

October 31st, 2015

Alex stood, as always, next to John. They both had red cups in their hands and Alex was just beginning to feel a little fuzzy from the effects of the alcohol. John was laughing about something next to him, and Alex felt a tap on his shoulder.

He turned around to find Angelica Schuyler, one of the presidents of his debate club and the host of tonight’s little gathering.

“Alex!” she shouted over the music, “Come here!” She grabbed his wrist, the one with the wristband on it, and Alex tensed slightly as she dragged him along behind her through the crowd.

“Where are you taking me?” he shouted.

“I’m about to change your life!” she called back gleefully.

She pulled him to a quieter corner of the party, where stood the most beautiful girl Alex had ever seen.

Angelica introduced her as Eliza, her sister, and Alex sat with her for the remainder of the party and talked, and she was the single most gorgeous, elegant, and engaging person Alex had met in his whole eighteen years. He stopped drinking the moment they were introduced.

*~*~*~*~*

November 1st, 2015

Around midnight they went back to Eliza’s bedroom in Angelica’s apartment, where they stayed up all night talking, and eventually Alex couldn’t take it anymore, swooped in and kissed her quickly.

He apologized profusely afterward, saying he should have asked, and that he knew how some people were about dating and romance and the whole soulmate thing, and Eliza had pulled up her sleeve and shown him the little zeros on her wrist, saying that she’d had a countdown of less than a day, that her timer had run out the day she came home from the hospital and her sister saw her for the first time. Familial soulmates, she’d explained. It was rare, but it happened, and she was devoted to her sister before anyone else. And Alex took off his wristband and told her he didn’t know his soulmate, that he’d missed the countdown entirely, and the two of them were quiet for a moment before bursting into slightly delirious laughter at how they both managed to screw up the soulmate thing so spectacularly.

They decided to start dating after that. It made sense, as Eliza’s match wasn’t romantic and Alex didn’t know his. They liked each other, and it gave them both an opportunity to stop hiding their timers and rid their lives of soulmate-related drama. It was fun and it was easy and that was all that mattered to them.

When Alex told his friends the next day, Lafayette squealed and Hercules clapped him on the back and John just shot him a quick, tight smile before leaving the table, saying he’d love to get the full story but had to get in some last-minute studying for a quiz.

Alex didn’t think anything of it, just thought of Eliza’s long dark hair and sweet lips and smiled to himself.

*~*~*~*~*

November 29th, 2015

“How was break, my dearest Laurens?” Alex asked, pulling back from a hug with his roommate and best friend. He’d taken to calling John that, adding little endearments to his name to tease. He enjoyed the way John would always get flustered and his cheeks would flush ever so slightly.

“Oh you know,” John answered, shrugging and avoiding Alex’s eyes. “My dad. You know how he is.” His roommate went over to his bed to set his things down, only taking the time to transfer a few things to a backpack before saying, “I think I’m going to go visit Laf and Herc. You know, say hello and everything.”

“I’ll come with you!” Alex said brightly, jumping off his bed and slipping on his shoes so he could follow John out the door. If John was quieter than usual on their way over to Laf and Herc’s dorm, Alex wrote it off as a side effect of spending the last few days with his dad, nothing more.

*~*~*~*~*

December 12th, 2016

"Bye, John."

"Bye Alex. See you next semester, okay?"

"Yeah. Call me over break. I'll miss you Laurens."

"Miss you too, Ham."

*~*~*~*~*

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I am sorry guys, I meant this to be a quick one and look how long it's taken me to churn it out. I'm just in the process of moving to college for the first time, so now you know why I've been falling off the grid a bit recently. Hopefully I'll be back to a more predictable update schedule soon. My apologies and thanks for sticking with me, my lovelies!  
> Until next time,  
> Desire <3


	3. Alexander

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander begins to come around.

 *~*~*~*~*

January 18th, 2016

Winter break had gone by in a red and green tinted madness with Lafayette, and Alex felt himself breathing sigh of relief when he woke up on the 18th, the day that the rest of his friends were set to return to campus.

When John first came back into their dorm, lugging his suitcase behind him, Alex couldn’t help the smile that broke out on his face at the sight of his best friend. He immediately got up to embrace his dear Laurens, suddenly keenly aware of how lonely his holiday had been without the other boy’s company.

John flinched when Alex hugged him.

*~*~*~*~*

January 29th, 2016

Something had changed over break.

John didn’t perk up after a few days the way Alex had thought he would. He had been expecting his roommate to be a bit down after returning from South Carolina, but it had been a full eleven days since John was back on campus and he was… different. Alex couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to his friend over break. He spent more time in Laf and Herc’s dorm than he used to, and the first week of classes was barely over but John was studying more diligently than Alex had ever seen.

He was eating lunch with John and Eliza as usual when Eliza brought it up, teasing John about how committed to his studies he seemed so far that semester. John froze for a moment before laughing quietly and giving a half-hearted shrug. He left the table soon after, barely muttering a goodbye and not looking at either of them.

And that wasn’t like his dear Laurens at all.

*~*~*~*~*

February 4th, 2016

“Come on, John, you’ve gotta help me!” Alex was hanging off the side of his bed, upside-down, and staring at John, across the room on his own bed and scrolling through his phone.

“No.”

“Valentine’s Day is in ten days!” He whined louder, throwing his hands up (or rather, down) in defeat. Alex had been agonizing about it for days, running through a thousand scenarios in his head about what to do for Eliza for Valentine’s day. He didn’t want it to be too cliché, but maybe Eliza liked cliché? He knew she was a romantic at heart like him and he wanted everything to be perfect for her. She’d confessed to Alex that she’s never had a real Valentine’ s day celebration in her life before. Neither had Alex, but the sentiment was still there.

“And?” John prompted, uninterested.

“And I have,” Alex huffed, “zero plans for what I’m gonna do for Eliza.” He got up and crossed the room, flopping down on his back on his roommate’s bed, suddenly struck with a bright idea to cheer Laurens up. “Come on John, _think_ ,” he teased, putting on his puppy dog eyes that always made John laugh, “what would you wanna do if I was taking _you_ out?” That was sure to make his dear Laurens laugh. Alex missed his laugh. He missed his smile.

But John didn’t laugh, just responded with a hollow whisper, “Alexander, you’re not taking me out. What I want doesn’t matter.”

Alex sighed, responded absently, “I guess you’re right,” and returned to his own bed, pulling out his computer.

John left shortly after without another word to Alex, but Alex, typing away on his computer couldn’t get one sentence out of his mind,

_What would you wanna do if I was taking you out?_

_What would you wanna do if I was taking_ you _out?_

_if I was taking you out…_

God, he’d meant it as a joke, but he could imagine it in perfect clarity. Him sitting across the table from John at a nice restaurant, hearing his laugh, getting to watch that perfect smile and sweet blush all night long. Walking with John through the city streets, taking him to the park, or down to the water, somewhere quiet and romantic in the busy city where John’s cheeks would be flushed from the cold and Alex would press himself close to his Laurens’ side and-

Alex shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. “What the hell, Alex,” he murmured to himself, deleting the last few paragraphs that he typed and diving back into essay writing with renewed concentration.

Still, that night after all the lights were out and he was lying in bed, John snoring across the room, he took off his wristband and ran a light finger over that place where he knew his zeros had been for the last five months and wondered, wondered, wondered.

*~*~*~*~*

February 10th, 2016

Alex didn’t know what was wrong with him.

Ever since that fateful afternoon when he teased John with the prospect of the two of them dating, Alex hadn’t been able to get the idea out of his head. Images of him with John ran circles in his mind, wearing comfortable grooves in his thoughts, and in any free time he would return to that same idea, and just wonder.

He walked down the brick walkway from class to the dining hall, snow flurries falling gently around him. And he wondered.

He heard Eliza call out and come running toward him from where she had been standing next to John.

And _John_. God, had Alex always had that same feeling in his chest when he looked at his roommate or was it new? Had his breath always gone short and his heart rate sped up around John or was it development of this week like everything else?

He spun Eliza around, kissed her on the cheek, but his mind still lingered on John. On John’s eyes, his cheeks flushed from the cold, the freckles that flecked his face, his shoulders, his arms.

And when Alex looked back toward him, his only thought was that his Laurens was _beautiful._

What the _fuck?_

*~*~*~*~*

February 14th, 2016

“Alexander.”

Alex’s mind was wandering. Lingering on the line of John’s jaw, the way his curls bounced when his hair was down and he shook his head, and how when it was pulled up Alex could see the back of his neck and the sweet curve of his shoulders-

“Alexander.”

And the way John would laugh at Alex’s jokes or his frustrated rants about the idiots in debate club. He hadn’t heard that laugh in a long time, and _god_ did he miss it-

“Alex!”

He snapped his head up, his eyes focusing to Eliza sitting across the table, her expression expectant and mildly concerned.

“Sorry, what?” He said distractedly, grimacing at his absent tone, so far from his usual eloquence.

Eliza just sighed. “Alex, what’s going on?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He returned his attention to his food in front of him, twirling his fork through the simple pasta dish on his plate.

“Yes you do, Alexander. You’ve been distracted for over a week now. You’re always so absent when I see you, like your mind is somewhere else."

Alex flushed, ashamed as he thought of how negligent he’d been around his girlfriend lately. He hadn’t known it had been that bad, and to think that it was all because he was thinking about dating his roommate.

How in the hell did he get here? This wasn't how things were supposed to go, he wasn't supposed to care about any of this-

A hand grasped his own, and pulled it toward the center of the table. Eliza was reaching across and looking him in his eyes, sincere and worried and so kind.

“Alex,” she started gently, “I know something is wrong. And you can tell me. We’re always able to talk to each other, Alex. Please?” Alex closed his eyes tightly, trying to shut it out.

God, he felt like he was being torn apart. He felt guilty for not telling her what he’d been thinking about for the last ten days, confused because it had all just come out of nowhere, angry at himself for not being satisfied having a girlfriend as wonderful as Eliza. And even so, his mind felt so occupied by an incredible _want_ , a _pull_ to John that was so new and yet seemed to feel so settled in his mind, like it had always been there. And then beneath all that the nagging feeling, the itching in his left wrist…

Eliza was rubbing soothing circles on the back of his hand, and Alex took a deep breath, trying to wash away the toxic cocktail of emotions in him, trying to think of something to say.

“I’m sorry,” was what came out.

And Eliza looked surprised and confused at that, and the words spilled out of Alex in a torrent.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted, rushed, “but I don’t think I can do this anymore, and it’s nothing that you’ve done, really it isn’t,” he added, desperately now, “because you’re wonderful and I love being around you, really I do, and I’m sorry because I know that-”

“You’ve found your soulmate,” Eliza interrupted, resigned. And that stopped Alex in his tracks.

“Wh-what?” He sputtered, shocked.

“It’s not like I wasn’t expecting this, Alex. I mean, your soulmate goes to our school, it was only a matter of time until you two found each other and figured the whole thing out. It’s okay.” Eliza was looking at him with so much understanding, but Alex was still caught on her earlier statement, the one where she had said _that word_ , and Alex couldn’t avoid thinking about it any longer.

John could be his soulmate.

It would make sense, wouldn’t it? He met John around the right time, and the pull toward him had been undeniable, and couldn’t Alex have just read it wrong? It would make sense of why he was so drawn to the other boy now, the undeniable _attraction_ he felt all of a sudden, but it wasn’t sudden, was it? It had been building up for five months and only did Alex recognize it for what it truly was now.

Stranger things had happened.

“Alex? You still with me?” Eliza squeezed his hand gently, her voice bringing him out of his thoughts and into the present.

He told her everything. And the whole time she sat and listened, open and understanding, and she let Alex spill all of his emotions and confusion and speculation between them, let him talk through it all until he ran out of words and their food had gone cold between them. Pulled his other hand into hers, holding them both grounded and making sure he wasn’t alone.

“You should tell him,” she said when he was done, looking sympathetic and a little sad.

“Eliza,” Alex choked out, just looking at her face and feeling his eyes fill with tears. “Eliza I’m-”

“Don’t, Alex,” she said quietly, and then she mustered up a smile. “Yes, I’m sad that we’ll have to break up because I really like you. But I will dump you right now because of the look in your eyes when you talk about him. You love him, and the chances are he’s your soulmate, and you _need_ to pursue that. I’m not going to be the thing that stood in the way of your happiness or John’s.” Alex started to say protest but Eliza cut him off. “No,” she said simply and firmly. “This is important and you _need_ to tell him, Alex.”

“His counter is still counting down, Eliza,” Alex sighed, defeated.

“You don’t know that. And even if you aren’t matches, you need to tell him anyway. Don’t keep this from him. It will tear you apart, Alex.” And he knew she was right. She was too good for him.

“Eliza,” he said again, choked up. And he got up and walked around the table to embrace her, whispering in her ear, “you, Elizabeth Schuyler, are the best of women.” Eliza just hugged him back and laughed breathily.

“I’ll tell Angelica you said that so she won’t murder you,” she whispered back and Alex shuddered. There would be hell to pay when Angelica found out they had broken up. Eliza seemed to understand. “Don’t worry,” she laughed as they pulled away, “I dumped you, remember?”

They got the check and walked back to campus hand in hand, the cold night air bracing to Alex’s body and mind. He held Eliza’s hand tight in his as he prepared to put everything on the line and tell John all of it. He was jittery. He was terrified. He was ion edge and excited as hell and he thought that he hadn’t felt this alive, this _himself_ in maybe his whole life.

He dropped Eliza off at her apartment with a kiss on each cheek and a long, sincere embrace in which he tried to convey to her every ounce of adoration and gratitude he felt toward her. “Thank you,” he whispered into her hair. She smiled and wished him luck before slipping quietly inside.

And then there was the walk back to his and John’s dorm, residual snow from days ago along the sidewalks, the orange glow of streetlights, the cutting cold wind and the numbness in Alex’s cheeks and nose combatted by the fire blazing in his heart. He ran the last hundred yards to his dorm, sprinted up the stairwell, grinning madly to himself, burst into his dorm-

Which was empty.

John was nowhere to be seen, the lights out and his bed empty and Alex felt the energy drain out of him in one great rush, leaving him feeling emptier and lonelier than he thought he’d ever been.

He went to bed in silence, staring at John’s bed in the dark, at the door, waiting for him. And he drifted off wishing beyond measure that he’d given more of a damn about soulmates years ago, because now he couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d lost his forever and it hurt more than he could have ever imagined.

*~*~*~*~*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha! Two chapters in one evening! I originally had this one tacked onto the last one but I decided to split them by semester. Hope you enjoyed! Kudos and comments make my life! Thank you, my lovelies!  
> Until next time,  
> Desiree <3


	4. Alexander

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex does some soul-searching, and Lafayette can't keep a secret. (But they're just trying to be a good friend they swear.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taylor forgive me, I pray you.

*~*~*~*~*

February 15th, 2016

Alex woke to the sight and sound of John stumbling into the dorm, obviously hungover, and Alex’s heart leapt irrationally in his chest at the sight of him, of _John_ , of his possible _soulmate_ , and he wanted nothing more than to jump out of bed and let it all spill out of him and tell John everything and have John wrap him up in his arms and never let go.

Until John turned around, and Alex saw his face.

He looked exhausted. He looked miserable. He didn’t look at Alex, just gathered a few of his things before slipping back out the door.

Alex could have sworn he’d never felt such a horrible sinking in his heart before that moment. And everything inside him felt hollow and bare, and the bright and shining thought of John in a relationship with him, John as his _soulmate_ , fell to the ground and shattered in the clear light of day.

And Alex laid back in his bed, and let his misery and loneliness pull him under.

*~*~*~*~*

February 22nd, 2016

One week after Valentine’s Day, and Alex was distraught.

John wouldn’t even speak to him anymore. He barely looked at him. If Alex was in the dorm room, John would only come in to sleep, or to change clothes, or to grab something for his next class before leaving. It was like his dear Laurens was an entirely different person, leaving a hollow space in Alex’s life where John was supposed to be. And somehow it was almost as though he had taken Lafayette and Hercules with him. John spent all his time with them, but if Alex ever came around, he was gone like a flash, leaving an awkward silence between Alex and his two other friends, the two of them looking at him with an expression he couldn’t place, and Alex had a suspicion that everyone knew something he didn’t.

He didn’t dare speculate what that something could be. If it was what he knew he hoped for, what he wanted and craved like nothing he’d ever felt…

But if it wasn’t…

He knew he wouldn’t be able to bear it. So he said nothing, and he did nothing, and he watched the space between them grow with wide eyes and an aching heart, and he didn’t know what to do.

*~*~*~*~*

March 28th, 2016

Over a month. It had somehow been over a month since that fateful evening, the somewhat disastrous date with Eliza, Alex’s revelation.

It felt like fifteen years.

Alex was holed away on a study carrel in the library, books and pencils and highlighters spread around him and his laptop in the center of the mess. Alex had an open highlighter between his teeth, his reading glasses slipping down on his nose, his hands flying across the keyboard in front of him. But his mind was only half on the essay in front of him. No, the majority of his attention dwelled on freckled cheeks and curly hair and the irrepressible longing that had found a permanent place to settle itself in his chest.

And he was very much not thinking about how on a Friday afternoon he was working diligently on an essay not due for another three weeks, not out of some overzealous desire to do well in class, but instead to avoid the aforementioned longing and misery that colored his daily life.

Because now, there was no doubt about the matter.

John Laurens was his soulmate.

He’d thought through it a million times, how it made perfect sense. They had met during the very first day Alex was on campus, within the right time frame of when Alex’s timer ran out. And there had been an irresistible pull between them, their personalities had clicked immediately, and why hadn’t Alex ever stopped to think that there might be a deeper reason _why_? He remembered how early on in the semester they would stay up late into the night, just talking, just sharing ideas, and Alex remembered thinking he could stay like that with John forever, and that he’d never felt so comfortable with someone in his entire life.

How could he not have understood the implications of it all?

And now it was painfully clear that he was in love with John Laurens, that he’d been in love with John Laurens the whole time, somehow, and it had just taken him too long to realize it, but it wouldn’t matter because John still covered his wrist and was still waiting for his timer to run out and Alex wasn’t John’s soulmate and would never be his soulmate-

But he _wanted_ John.

He wanted to hear his voice again, the way it would lilt and the wonder in it when John would talk about his hopes and dreams, what he wanted to be.

He wanted to spend a whole afternoon just lying with John in the grass of Central Park and watching the sun bring out the warm tones in the brown of John’s hair and the gold flecks in his eyes, watch it dance off of his tan skin and bring out the freckles that dappled his cheeks like stars.

He wanted to curl into John’s warmth and bury his face in John’s shoulder and breathe in the smell of his shampoo and cologne, and the something underneath so distinctly _John_ that it made his heart ache and his head spin.

He wanted to be close to him, wanted him in every aspect and meaning of the word and in whatever capacity he would be allowed, wanted him more deeply and intensely than anything he’d ever felt, more than he wanted success, or recognition, or even to leave his mark on the world.

He wanted his soulmate.

He felt the old familiar hatred of the concept bubbling up inside of him again, and wondered how in the hell he had ended up here, after so solidly resolving not to need a soulmate in his life, _how_ was he sitting here now, with John the only thing that he could keep on his mind, and his heart aching worse than he’d ever felt?

He pulled off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes, sighing, before slipping them back on and reading back over the page he’d just typed out on the computer in front of him. It was complete and utter nonsense, not a salvageable paragraph in it, and somewhat vengefully he closed the document without even bothering to save it, because what was even the point?

“ _Mon ami_?” The familiar voice of Laf drifted to him from over his shoulder and in the quiet library it startled Alex so that he almost fell out of his chair.

“ _Fuck_ , Laf,” he swore, turning around to look at them, “you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing here?”

Lafayette just shifted nervously from one foot to another and glanced around, their eyes not meeting Alex’s. “I…” they started, then shook their head abruptly, “may I sit with you?” And they fixed their eyes on Alex’s, big and pleading.

“…sure,” Alex responded, frowning as Laf pulled a chair over from a nearby table, garnering an irritated glare from the girl studying there, and sat down next to Alex. They looked fidgety, and Alex closed his laptop, turning back to Laf. He’d never seen his friend look so distressed.

“What’s up?” He asked, carefully watching Laf’s face. They took a deep breath before meeting his eyes.

“It is about John.”

And Alex’s heart dropped right into his boots at that because right now, anything starting with “it’s about John” was sure to be excruciating beyond belief, just a reminder of everything that Alex could never have. And then, the look on Laf’s _face_. If something was wrong with John, if he was hurt or-

Alex couldn’t bear it, and he felt his heartrate speed up just at the thought of something happening to his Laurens.

He tried to stay calm as he answered, his voice betraying nothing beyond a casual concern.

“What about him?”

“Surely you’ve noticed how he has been acting recently, _oui?”_ Laf prompted and Alex wanted to _scream_ because where was this conversation going, and of course Alex noticed now that John was avoiding him like the plague and goddamn, did that hurt-

“Of course I have, Laf.” And maybe it came out a little harsher than he intended, “I can’t even stay in the same room with him anymore for more than thirty seconds. Of course I’ve noticed.”

“ _Oui_. Laf winced, shifting uncomfortably in their chair, and their voice was uncharacteristically soft as they continued, “I know I… I should not come here and say this for him, but I… I cannot stand to see our John so miserable any longer.” And that was news to Alex. He knew that John was a little off when he came back from South Carolina. As unfortunate as it was, he’d expected as much. But he’d seen so little of him since… he didn’t know he was _miserable_. And what did it have to do with Alex?

His brain jumped to one conclusion before anything else, unthinkable, and Alex didn’t dare dwell on it for fear that he would be wrong and it would crush him. And yet, he urged Laf on with a sort of breathlessness that wasn’t quite excitement, wasn’t quite anxiousness, wasn’t quite hope, but something in between.

“Laf, what’s going on?”

Laf took another deep breath, as if to steel themselves for what they were about to say. “A few weeks ago,” they began,” on Valentine’s Day, John was with me and Hercules, in our dorm. We were… ‘celebrating’ being single for another Valentine’s Day, not having found our soulmates and everything.” Alex thought back to his night and tried not to think about how dishonest his relationship with Eliza felt after the fact. “We were drinking, and I was a little…” Laf waved their hands vaguely in the air, as though they were ashamed, though Alex had never known Laf to be ashamed of a little alcohol. They were _French_ for God’s sake. But he nodded.

“Anyway,” they continued, “Hercules and I had compared our timers and I… I asked to see John’s.” Their words were gradually getting faster and their voice quieter as they went along, and Alex had to lean in to hear them. And Laf rushed through his next words. “He said no, and I – I was wrong, I shouldn’t have pushed him but I was drunk and so I pulled off that wristband that he always wears, and-” they stopped, ran their hands through their hair, getting their long fingers caught up and tangled in it, tugging as they shook their head. Alex wanted to comfort them but he was frozen, the knowledge that he was about to find out exactly what John’s timer said racing through his mind and through his heart and his soul  _screaming_ that he hoped, he hoped, he hoped –

“It was zeros, Alex.” Laf choked out, and Alex’s heart leapt at the news, thinking there was a chance, there was a possibility, that John had to be his and he had to be John’s and that it made perfect sense and –

And Lafayette was _crying_.

“It was just zeros.” They whispered, shaky through quiet tears, “And Hercules and I started asking him about it and he just- He just broke down. Screamed at us and then just started sobbing and… it was so awful. We asked him what was wrong and he said that – that his soulmate didn’t want him. And when we asked him who it was, he…”

Laf took a moment to collect themselves, and Alex felt like he was dangling off the edge of a cliff. He felt such pain, such horrible pain at thinking of John being so upset, so distraught, of John drunk and sad on Valentine’s Day after he’d met his soulmate, his soulmate who didn’t want him. And imagining John like that, and breaking down in front of their friends –

It was too much. And for a moment Alex fervently wished against everything he’d wanted for weeks because if –

“You, Alex, _mon ami,_ he… he said it was you.”

And there it was. Out in the world for Alex and everyone to hear and he felt ready to shatter under the weight of it because it was all _his fault_. His Laurens, his dearest Laurens was his match, and he had _known_ , probably all year he had known, and he had been forced to live in the same room with Alex and watch him go on dates with Eliza for months and had never said anything and it was _all Alex’s fault_.

He should have been paying attention to his counter.

He should have listened to what his feelings, his heart had been telling him all year every time he looked at John Laurens.

He should have just fucking _talked to him_.

And at that Alex jolted and stood up like a flash, and barely registered shoving his things haphazardly into his bag, or Lafayette crying out in surprise, or anything as he shouldered his bag and ran from the library, his feet carrying him to his dorm, and inevitably, to his soulmate.

His _soulmate_.

He had to tell John everything. Had to tell him what had happened and beg for forgiveness. Had to tell John how _sorry_ he was and how he and Eliza weren’t matches and had never been matches and should probably never have even implied that they were. And most of all, he had to tell John that he loved him.

Because oh, he loved him.

That was what was echoing in his mind as he burst through the door and up the stairs of the dorm, taking them two at a time and his mind on a constant loop of _I love him, I love him, I love him_.

_I love him._

_I love him._

_I love –_

“Alex?”

The door was open. Alex’s hand was on the doorknob. He was breathing hard, and he was staring directly into the eyes of one John Laurens, his _soulmate_.

And Alex could have sworn that the weight of the world hung between them in that moment.

“ _John_.”

*~*~*~*~*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COLLEGE IS KICKING MY ASS.  
> That said, I am so sorry my lovelies for how long this took to churn out and how unsatisfactory it is. I swear I am not abandoning you (nor am I abandoning PWS), but it's just been a long few weeks as I attempt to settle into a college lifestyle. Hopefully the writing will pick up again soon, but I can't make any promises.  
> "But Desiree," you say, "wasn't this fic supposed to only have four chapters? Why now does it have five????" The short answer is that I am a liar and my fingers and brain ran away from me.  
> Until I can finally keep my promise of fixing these two, I am as always,  
> Your Desiree <3


	5. John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, resolution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well it's been three months since chapter 4, but I'm here. I promised resolution, and resolution you shall have, my lovelies. Enjoy :)

March 28th, 2016

John rarely found himself in his dorm room anymore, but this particular afternoon he sat on his bed, typing away on his computer at an essay that granted, wasn’t due for a few weeks but John was in need of distraction these days.

He tried not to think about how working on an essay weeks early was something that –

Suddenly the door burst open and John startled, looking up from his computer in shock.

_Alexander_.

He looked _awful_ , breathing heavily and looking at John with wide eyes and a haunted expression and John had firmly resolved Not To Talk To Alexander for his own health but before he knew what he was doing he asked, “Alex?”

Alex just looked at him and then,

_“John.”_

And then Alex was quiet again and John thought briefly that he’d never heard Alex be quiet for this long in all the time he knew him.

He also thought that something about not spending more than a minute around your soulmate at a time in several months meant that you forgot how _beautiful_ they were.

He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to sit in here with Alex’s wide, beautiful, intelligent eyes and listen to the silence between them, didn’t want to spend one more second being reminded that Alex wasn’t his, that Alex _didn’t want him_.

So he reached for his backpack to begin to pack up and go, and something about that must have snapped Alex out of whatever reverie he was in, because he shut the door quickly behind him and –

“John, no, wait please don’t leave I – I want to talk to you, I –”

John most certainly did not want to talk to Alex.

“Alex, I have to go,” he choked out, and even he was surprised by how _raw_ his voice sounded, “go talk to Laf or Herc.”

And out of the corner of his eye he saw Alex draw himself up taller and he thought _please god no_ , but Alex said,

“No John, I need to talk to _you_ ,” and this _could not_ be happening he’d been doing so _well_ and he’d hoped they could just get to the end of the semester and John could quietly drop out of Alex’s life, like friends drifting away over time, that’s all it would be, but now, now Alex wanted to talk to him.

No.

He finished packing up his backpack, slung it on his shoulder, and turned toward Alex. And John was taller anyway, and practically towered over his soulmate, tall as Alex might try to be.

He’d always loved Alexander’s height.

“Alex, move.” As commanding as he could manage, and to his surprise it actually came out somewhat formidably.

But Alex was nothing if not up for a fight, and he replied firmly,

“No.”

And that was enough to set John off.

It wasn’t fair that his soulmate didn’t love him. It wasn’t fair that he had to be the one that was fucked up. It wasn’t fair that he was gay in a conservative household, it wasn’t fair that he wasn’t a match, it wasn’t fair that his soulmate who wasn’t his match _lived in the same tiny dorm room_. He was sick and tired with longing and he snapped.

“What the fuck do you want, Alexander? Can’t you see I’m fucking busy?” He pushed past the smaller boy and his hand touched the doorknob –

“Laf told me.”

He stopped in his tracks. Turned around. Alex’s eyes, big and brown and nervous.

“They _what?_ ” His voice came out soft an livid, and he felt that bit of fear flash through him but as always it fell away in exchange for _anger_ , quiet but strong.

“Laf told me, John,” Alex said, his face sad and something else, “they – they told me everything.”

_Everything?_ What was everything? How much did Laf know? How much did Laf say? They knew about John’s soulmate issues, they were there that night he’d blown up and cried into ther shoulder and whispered Alex’s name like a broken prayer.

They knew. And now Alex knew by extension.

John should have just gone to Herc’s dorm that day.

“They shouldn’t have done that.” He said, trying his damnedest not to betray the storm brewing inside of him, a concoction of fear and anger and pain and worst of all, worse than anything else that horrible, _horrible_ longing.

For Alex’s hands, for Alex’s lips, for Alex’s –

“John, if I had known –” and John had never had anything but an extremely short temper.

“What?!” He shouted at Alex watched the other boy’s eyes widen in surprise, “You would have fucking pitied me just like everybody else? You wouldn’t have thrown your relationship with your _soulmate_ in my face?!” He was angry, he was so, so angry.

He was so in love.

“ **Fuck you, Alex!** ” he shouted, and he _didn’t look at his face when he said it, he didn’t_. “So what if you are my –” It was so easy to throw it in Alex’s face but so hard to say it about himself.

“I can fucking deal with this, alright?!” He finished, “I don’t need your goddamn pity!”

“It isn’t pity!”

“Don’t fucking pretend with me, Alex,” he scoffed, glaring as much as he was able and Alex’s hair was a mess, it must be windy today, “we both know who your soulmate is, alright?” Quieter now, biter, and Alex’s skin was paler than usual… was he that scared? “I’m over it,” he said. Turned toward the door, away from _him_.

“John, you don’t know, if you would just listen to me –” the boy pleaded from behind him and John whirled around with one last bite –

“ **Drop it, Alex**!”

“ **Oh my god, it’s you, John!** ” Alex shouted back at him, “It’s fucking you, Eliza’s not my soulmate, it’s _you_!”

That made John stop in his tracks. That made him forget how to breath and made his heart rush wildly and _Alexander had just said that John was his soulmate_.

He looked at Alex, and Alex looked back, as flushed and desperate as John had ever seen him, and John kept his eyes fixed firmly on Alex’s (pretty, pretty eyes) as he took off his backpack and put it on the floor, and sat on the edge of his bed.

“I am going to sit here,” he began slowly, “for one minute, and you” he pointed at Alex, who looked much smaller after his admission, “you are going to _explain_.”

Alex nodded, small, aborted, took a deep breath, looked at the window, looked at John.

“When I was young,” he began, “my mother was the one who explained soulmates to me. What the counters meant, and what soulmates were, and what it would be like when I found mine.” Another deep breath, another flicker of his eyes away, “And I was really excited for it when I was a kid,” he said softly, his face in a pained smile, the kind of smile that remembers better times just before everything went to shit. “I loved the idea,” he whispered, “that… that there was somebody out there for me,” and now he looked right at John, and his eyes were so tender that  John was _melting_ , “somebody,” Alex whispered, “that would, would just walk into my life one day and change my world forever and…” he trailed off.

_Change my life forever_.

John knew the feeling.

“And –” Alex began again, agitated, “and then there was the sickness and the hurricane…” and John had heard about this, remembered early in the year their all-night talks, remembered a storm one night with rain pounding on the windows and Alex explaining in a tiny voice exactly what circumstances had gotten him where he was, and John wanting nothing more than to wrap him up in his arms and hold him until he would always feel happy and always feel safe.

He wanted that now, and it took every ounce of self-control in his body to keep from getting up and just pulling Alex into his arms and shushing him and saying everything would be alright.

But then he remembered the last five horrible months, and Alex at least owed him an explanation. He at least owed John that.

But his voice was shaking.

“…And everything and I just… with all that around me I just… I stopped seeing the point. I wore my wristband so _I_ wouldn’t have to see the numbers.”

John’s heart broke a little at that, because hadn’t he done the same thing, dreading his father’s judgement when he finally met his soulmate? Hadn’t he hidden the prospect of a soulmate away from himself and from the world?

“I never checked my counter,” he said, growing more agitated, “and then I got here, and the very first week when I pulled off my wristband, I saw the zeros, and I was just… I didn’t know what to make of it, John,” he looked almost like he was pleading now, begging, and John never thought he’d see Alexander Hamilton beg. “I – I’d gone years ignoring them and then all of a sudden there they _were_ and I just didn’t know what to _do_.”

And the more Alex talked the less angry John felt, because the more Alex told of his story, the more it started to sound like John’s own. Because hadn’t John hidden his counter? Hadn’t John panicked when he saw his zeros? Hadn’t he stupidly kept it from Alex and didn’t say anything? Alex had fucked up, sure, but John had fucked up too.

“And then at that party when I met Eliza we hit it off right away, and her timer had already run out, in fact she never had much of a timer at all –”

“So Eliza’s really not your match?” he said suddenly, and he had almost forgotten Eliza this whole time, and how she fit into this.

“No John,” Alex said earnestly, running a hand through his long hair, “she’s matches with Angelica.” John raised his eyebrows at that, and Alex rushed forward, “They’re familial soulmates, they’re always going to be there for each other but neither of them have romantic soulmates. And Eliza and I were just pretending…”

There was that little spike of anger. John’s voice sounded cold when he said,

“Go on.”

Alex swallowed, ran his hand through his hair again,

“Eliza and I were just pretending because well… she was lonely and – and I thought I’d lost my soulmate forever and she hated having people ask about her soulmate all the time and we – we hit it off and we just started going out and…”

He made it all sound so innocent, but John remembered –

“You told us all that you found your soulmate, Alex!” He remembered the horrible pain of that afternoon, when Alex had sat down at lunch telling them he was dating Eliza and Herc and Laf’s congratulations and John barely holding it together as he went back to his dorm, and crying by himself in the room as Alex went on his first date with her.

“No, no I didn’t,” Alex defended, “Eliza and I never said that, we just started dating and everyone just _assumed_ –”

“Well of course we fucking – Alex, what the fuck?!” John said, and stood in exasperation. “You knew what people were going to think!”

“John –”

“No! Goddammit, Alex, I was here all this time,” and now it was John’s turn to say his piece, his turn to look at Alex with earnest eyes and tug on his hair and gesture wildly with his frustration, “and I fucking _knew_ it was you,” he said, “and you were pretending Eliza was your soulmate!” Alex opened his mouth to protest. John stopped him. “Don’t you fucking say you weren’t, don’t pretend you didn’t fucking know what people were going to think!” Alex looked away, bit his lip, and John rubbed a hand over his face and felt tears gathering in his eyes as he thought about all the lonely months he’d spent. “Do you have any idea how…”

How what? How heartbroken he was? How angry? How sad? How jealous? How hateful? How he’d begun to loathe the sight of the zeros on his own skin and how he’d begun to loathe soulmates at all? How his heart ached at every couple he saw on campus and on the street? How he’d thought it would get better but time had only made everything so much _worse_?

He ducked his face, wiped his tears, tried to control his shuddering breaths, and heard Alex’s voice, small and soft and nothing like the way it usually sounded.

“Please forgive me, John,” the voice murmured, and he wanted more than anything to fall into the sound, “I was an idiot. I… I was stupid and I spent all that time with Eliza and I didn’t realize that…” the pause was deafening, and then there was a hand in his hand and he was led back to the bad and sat down, and his chin was lifted so he could look into Alex eyes as Alex said, “God, I’m in love with _you_ John, I realized it over a month ago, that all this time it was _you_ , Eliza’s the one who helped me figure it out, and then when Laf told me about your timer, I was sure that you – that we…” he trailed off and just laced their fingers together, the couple way, and John couldn’t ignore the spark it sent down his spine.

“Alex,” he half-whispered, half-sobbed, “how do you know you’re in love with me, we’ve barely talked all semester.”

Alex didn’t say anything for a minute, and John heard him breathe deep and he squeezed John’s hand and his other plan traced little patterns into the skin of the back of John’s hand in his, and kept his eyes down, looking at that place where they were linked. And it felt good. It felt right. It felt like John had been ignoring a physical _need_ , like hunger or rest, for too long and that need for Alex, for his touch, was finally being fulfilled.

“I just know” It was soft but sure coming out of Alex’s mouth, or maybe is heart, John didn’t know. “From the moment I met you,” he said, “there was just this… this _pull_.” He looked up into John’s eyes. “Did you feel it too?”

“God, Alex…” John choked up. Of course he felt it. The little tug and then he endearment and joy and then the full-blown adoration, deep and wide.

“ _John._ ” Just like when he’d first walked in the room, but now softer and sweeter and something poignant, “May I kiss you?”

Oh god and what a question that was, and his eyes flicked immediately to Alex’s lips, and it wasn’t’ like he hadn’t thought about it before, wasn’t like he hadn’t imagined it a thousand times, Alex’s lips against his.

But he still wasn’t sure after everything…

“Alex…”

“John Laurens.” Spoken like a prayer. Like a vow “Will you let me kiss you?” And then whispered. “Then we’ll really know for sure.”

And that was what got him, that and the longing finally spilling over into something uncontrollably present, and John, against his better judgement, nodded his head, feeling almost in a daze but then like every nerve in his body was a live wire.

And Alex leaned forward, ever so slowly,

Their lips met.

Dry, and chaste, and soft, but if John thought his body was a live wire before, now it was like somebody had turned every bit of that energy up to eleven, and he felt it arcing through him and tingling up and down his spine, and he couldn’t do anything but press harder, pull Alex in for more.

Holy shit he was kissing _Alexander_.

It didn’t last long, it wasn’t much, but all the same when they drew back they were both panting, and John’s hand was on Alex’s waist, and vice versa.

And they stared at each other for a long moment, maybe in shock, maybe something else he couldn’t name, but the whole world stopped turning for moment until –

_“Holy shit.”_

And he was grabbing Alexander and pulling him until Alex was straddling his lap and John was dragging him in for _more_. And Alex’s hands were in John hair and on his shoulders and neck and head and John’s arms were around Alex’s waist as Alex kissed him.

And kissed him.

And _kissed_ him.

A little frantic and a little desperate and every bit _perfect_.

It was so perfect to have Alex in his arms and under his hands and on his _mouth_. And Alex was babbling between heated presses of lips, “oh my god, oh my god you’re my soulmate, you are absolutely one hundred percent my soulmate, _John_.” And the way he breathed John’s name was sweet and lovely and so, so good.

His Alexander.

_His_ Alexander.

He briefly wondered if they’d ever stop, if they’d ever be able to pull away and spend their lives doing anything but this. But eventually it slowed, the desperation fading a little, until John was leaning back against the wall and Alex was leaning on John’s shoulder, still mostly draped on his lap, and leaving little kisses along the line of John’s neck.

Which was, granted, extremely distracting.

But not so distracting as to keep him from expressing a thought.

“Hey, Alex?” he said to the room, now darkening with evening. Alex hummed a little inquisitive sound from his shoulder. John rubbed his back.

“You know I forgive you, right Alex?”

Alex came up, looked at John with the most hopeful expression John had ever seen in his life.

“You do?” And John just looked at him and smoothed his hair a bit and nodded. Alex caught his hand and kissed it. His left hand. Touched the wristband still on John’s wrist. Looked at him with a question in his eyes.

John just nodded his head.

Alex went to careful work, quiet snaps in the room as he undid the clasp, carefully removed the new leather band from around John’s wrist. John watched as he turned his hand over, got a full view of the little line of zeros that had caused so much trouble. Saw, heard, _felt_ Alex’s breath hitch.

Alex leaned in and pressed a kiss right there on the inside of his wrist, right where the numbers were, and that same electricity from before shot through him once again, tingly and sharp and real.

“God, I love you,” Alex murmured into his skin.

It was John’s turn to have his breath hitch.

“I love you,” he breathed, and Alex looked at him with the most joy he’d ever seen on his soulmate’s face. “I love you, Alex,” he whispered again, feeling almost shy under Alex’s gaze. But the boy just twisted their fingers together and leaned against John’s shoulder again, and that was all the answer John needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You made it! Thanks for the read! If you liked it, leave a kudos or a comment if you're so inclined.  
> More of this verse to come? Maybe. However, right now my most important project is my ongoing fic, Poor Wayfaring Stranger. Check it out if you like foster Washingtons ;) Thanks again!  
> As always,  
> Your Desiree <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for the read! If you liked it, leave a kudos or a comment (or both)! As always, my tumblr is [@desiree-harding](http://desiree-harding.tumblr.com/) if you wanna come talk about Hamilton fic with me ever!  
> If you liked my writing, I'm shamelessly plugging my other ongoing fic here: [Poor Wayfaring Stranger,](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7503399/chapters/17056104) a foster Washingtons fic. Check it out maybe and tell me what you think.  
> That's all for now, my lovelies,  
> Desiree <3


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